Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
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If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either