Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
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obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Always leave the cult better than you found it.