#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
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when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys