I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
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Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? Iβm pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ainβt happening apparently
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: itβs like a sleepover but without the sleep
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Donβt make this weirdβ¦
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. π¬
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Mornin
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
DM: hi Iβm Emily and I live in your area π
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
her: HELP ME! Iβm bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you arenβt!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?