On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
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Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Awesome parenting 😂
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I occasionally drink every single night.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af