Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
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It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.