PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
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When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
North and South
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.