[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
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Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Banking tips
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.