[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
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I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
crochet youtube is brutal
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”