[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
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Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.