“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
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I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Noah
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet