Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
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I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
.. do you even science?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.