(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult