Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
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Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had