The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
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mechanics be like
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
sin harder.
Bless you
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Shower sex be like:
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.