The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
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You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.