her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
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BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I love it all
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes