ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
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me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener