Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
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Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
idk what he going thru but i feel him
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.