Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
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Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
i’m still crying at this
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring