Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
You Might Also Like
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?