the prophecies have been fulfilled
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Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon