Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
You Might Also Like
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary