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I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough