me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
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not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive