Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
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May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”