I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
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The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.