Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
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My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen