I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
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My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Breaking news:
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”