HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
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Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Had a spot of bother earlier.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
What
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia