Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
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Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.