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Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.