“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
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I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.