[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
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VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Super Hand Dog Face
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.