[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
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I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Good boy 😂😂
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.