Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
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[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
😂 amazing answer
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON