Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
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I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
My wedding will be open casket.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.