Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
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Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what