I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
You Might Also Like
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.