It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
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WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”