Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
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Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
concern
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs