I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
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My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”