all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
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why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
My blood type is b hungry.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
When I laugh on my period
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die