The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
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Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?