My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
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I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.