Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
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If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.