Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
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The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?