Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
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My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM