Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
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who will stop them
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
this is how life feels
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.