The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
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A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
🤣🤣
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Anyone want a chair?
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.